


The Letter

by LilacNoctua



Series: Worthwhile [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Couch Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lee finally figures it out, M/M, Protective Siblings, background kakagai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacNoctua/pseuds/LilacNoctua
Summary: “Baki gave me this,” Gaara showed Lee an old battered envelope with an inscription in faded ink. “He has held onto it for years. Yashamaru gave it to him before he died.”“What is it?” Lee asked. “It has your name on it.”“It’s a letter,” Gaara rasped. “Baki said it was entrusted to him to keep secret and give to me only once he decided I was ready.”“Well, what does it say?” Lee whispered.A letter from the past brings many things to light.
Relationships: Gaara/Rock Lee
Series: Worthwhile [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729480
Comments: 40
Kudos: 177





	1. Tears and Ink

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to [_By Your Side_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24701554/chapters/59701078/) but can be read as a stand alone as well.   
> **Warning:** Death and grief are discussed throughout this entire story. This chapter contains a reference to implied past child abuse and neglect. In this chapter, a character also briefly wonders if things might have been better if he had died.

Lee was dreaming about flowers under the desert moon. Huge flowers, some as big as he was. Pale petals glowed ethereally in the night, swaying in the wind that whispered across the sand. 

“Gaara,” he called into the labyrinth of flowers. “Are you here?”

In this dream he was always sure that Gaara was close by, but he had yet to actually find him.

“Lee!” There was a palpable urgency in the voice that called back to him. 

“Gaara!” He ran, pushing his way between the flowers.

“Lee, please wake up!” 

A hand shook his shoulder. Lee snapped awake with a punch and his fist slammed into a wall of sand. He sat up, blinking slowly at the granules that clung to his bandaged knuckles.

“Gaara?” he murmured.

“Lee, are you awake now?” the voice asked again. The wall of sand next to his bed crumbled to reveal a shadowy figure, one green eye illuminated by the sliver of light that filtered through the gap in the curtains.

“I am. . . not sure?” Lee replied sleepily, reaching for Gaara without thinking. “If you are here then I am still dreaming.”

“No,” said Gaara, stepping just out of Lee’s reach. “I’m actually here.”

“Why?” Lee asked, rubbing his eyes.

The shadowy figure moved further away and a light clicked on. Lee squinted and shaded his eyes, blinking and struggling to make sense of what was happening. It was the middle of the night and Gaara was standing in Lee's tiny apartment, arms folded over his chest, just staring at him. With a jolt, Lee realized that Gaara looked ragged and worn out. His jacket was torn, his hair windswept and dusty, eyes bloodshot, smudged and sunken. He shot out of bed and grabbed Gaara by the shoulders, peering into his haggard face.

“What has happened to you?”

“Do you remember,” Gaara said slowly. “That mission a year or two ago, we had to camp in that old shack in the mountains during a blizzard.”

“Yes, of course,” Lee said. He had told Gaara his entire life story in order to pass the time, and had been surprised when Gaara had told him his own. Looking back, it had been the fragile beginning of this closeness between them, the moment their friendship had begun to grow into . . . whatever this was.

“Do you remember what I told you about my uncle? About Yashamaru?” Gaara asked. His voice sounded small and broken.

Lee nodded.

“Baki gave me this,” Gaara showed Lee an old battered envelope with an inscription in faded ink. “He has held onto it for years. Yashamaru gave it to him before he died.”

“What is it?” Lee asked. “It has your name on it.”

“It’s a letter,” Gaara rasped. “Baki said it was entrusted to him to keep secret and give to me only once he decided I was ready.”

“Well, what does it say?” Lee whispered.

Gaara looked up at him with wide, haunted eyes. “I don’t know.”

“You have not read it yet?”

“I - I couldn’t.” Gaara hung his head. “I was. . . scared. You remember what he said to me, as he was dying? What could this letter possibly say?”

“Wait,” Lee said, finally beginning to think clearly. “You are here, but no one told me you were coming.”

“No one knows,” Gaara admitted. “I didn’t tell them I was leaving.”

“You. . . what?” Lee faltered.

“Baki gave me the letter, and I. . .” Gaara turned his back on Lee, hunched his shoulders and tightened his arms around himself. “I guess I panicked. I just ran. I didn’t stop running until I got here.”

“Oh, Gaara,” Lee said softly, as understanding started to sink in.

“Please,” Gaara said hoarsely. “I can’t do this alone. I need . . . I need you to help me.”

“Of course.” Lee carefully put his hands on Gaara’s shoulders and steered him towards the threadbare old sofa. “Sit down, we’ll read it together. I have got you.”

Gaara’s hands trembled as he opened the envelope and unfolded the letter.

“ _ Beloved Gaara, _ ” he read aloud, and made a small, strangled noise of distress before continuing. “ _ If you are reading this, then one of two things has happened. Either you have taken this letter from Baki by force, or you have grown into someone whom Baki thinks would understand what I am about to say. I hold out hope that it is the latter.” _

Gaara’s hand shook so badly that Lee was afraid he would tear the paper. He turned his face and Lee was horrified to see that there were tears streaming from his eyes. He had never seen Gaara cry; frankly he had imagined that Gaara was not able to cry.

“I can’t do this,” Gaara whispered. He offered the letter to Lee. “Read it for me.”

Lee took the paper hesitantly and scanned it to find the place Gaara had left off. With his heart in his throat he read, “ _ I have just received an order from the Kazekage, your father, that I am not permitted to refuse. If I try to refuse, I will be executed. If I carry out the order, I will almost surely die in the attempt. To accept the order and successfully complete the mission would be the worst possible outcome. By the time you read this letter, you will know what the order was. This is what I am going to do, Gaara. I am going to trust that your mother’s love will protect you from me and that I will not survive. As I die, I intend to tell you that I have hated you, and that you must trust no one, love no one. This is a lie, but one I believe will save your life, and your life is precious to me above all things.” _

Next to Lee, Gaara let out a ragged sob, and dropped his face into his hands. “Keep reading. Please,” he whispered when Lee paused.

“ _ I will not be the only one, Gaara. When I fail, your father will send other assassins. If he would order your own uncle to kill you, then even your siblings and your tutor cannot be trusted. This is why I must do this, so that you will be on your guard, so that you will learn to trust no one but yourself. Between the tailed-beast locked within your soul, and the strength of your mother’s will, I am sure that your life will be well protected, but I despair that there will be no one to protect you from yourself, or from the pain of loneliness and fear. I am afraid of the type of man you might become, but I can see no other way out.” _

Gaara’s whole body was trembling so violently that Lee could feel it through the cushions of the couch, but he dared not stop reading. “ _ If the time has come for you to read this, then it is time for you to know the truth. Gaara, I have loved you and been absolutely devoted to you since the moment of your birth. Not only because you are my nephew and a wonderful child with a kind heart, but also because every time I look at you, I see my sister and feel the warmth of her love again. I want you to know that she loved you too, for the brief moments that you were together, and has continued to love you, even in death. I can feel it. As for myself, I will love you even as you kill me, and I have faith that my love for you will not die with me. Gaara, I do not pretend to know what awaits me on the other side of death, but please know that if I can find a way to watch over you from the other side, I will.  _

_ Yours eternally, _

_ Yashamaru” _

Lee set the letter down on the coffee table and turned towards Gaara. His forehead rested against his knees, his hands hid his face, and sobs wracked his body. Lee placed a tentative hand on Gaara’s back. Gaara sat up immediately and turned to bury his face in Lee’s shoulder. Lee gathered him close, murmuring meaningless words of comfort and rocking them both slowly back and forth. Tears began welling in his own eyes as well as his heart broke for Gaara all over again. He pressed his face into Gaara’s hair and let himself weep for the pain of someone precious to him.

“Do you know what the worst part is?” Gaara whispered when his sobs had finally subsided. His voice came out so hoarse and spent that Lee barely heard him. “He’ll never know. I’m the Kazekage, I have friends, everything I ever wanted really, and he’ll never know. He died believing that I would have to become a monster to survive.”

Lee didn’t know what to say, so he gave Gaara a small sympathetic squeeze.

“And I did,” Gaara went on. “I did become a monster, for so long, until Naruto. . . Lee, if Yashamaru were watching over me, at what point do you think he turned away?”

“He would not turn away,” Lee said emphatically. “How could someone who loves you turn away and leave you to suffer?”

“He died and left me alone. He purposely made me kill him. I didn’t want to. I never wanted to,” Gaara began crying all over again. Lee was beginning to worry he would become dehydrated.

“I think you are still angry,” Lee said softly. “I mean, you know because of the letter that he loved you but you are still angry about what he did and what he said.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” Gaara sobbed. “You never met my father, you don’t know, but. . . Telling myself that it was for the best or that it was the only thing he could do doesn’t help. It still hurts.”

“And you have not forgiven yourself for killing him either, have you?” Lee whispered.

“How could I ever forgive myself for that? He was my uncle, but he was also my only real parent, the only person who cared about me. He was the only person who would even look me in the eyes.”

He raised his head to look up at Lee and Lee bit down on a cry of alarm at the sight of his face. The black lines around Gaara’s eyes had run and mingled with his tears, leaving dark tracks down his cheeks and staining the front of Lee’s shirt. His nose and eyes were red and his lip still trembled.

“I just wish I could tell him,” Gaara whispered. “That I’m sorry. That I’m okay now. I hate that he died thinking I was destined for a life full of hatred and bloodshed. He would be so happy to see how my life is now, but he never can, and it’s not fair.”

“No, it is not,” Lee agreed.

“I hate it,” Gaara said, suddenly vicious. “And I hate my father for doing this to me, but that’s useless because he’s dead too. All the pain he caused us, and he died like a coward and left us all to deal with the aftermath.”

“Stay here a moment,” Lee whispered. He disentangled himself from Gaara's arms and went to the kitchenette to pour a glass of water. He left it on the coffee table and then stepped into the bathroom to prepare a warm washcloth. He knelt on the sofa, gently laid Gaara’s head back against the cushions and began washing away the streaks of kohl and salt. 

“If you could say anything to Yashamaru, what would you want to tell him?” Lee asked.

“I just want him to know that I’m alright,” Gaara said miserably. “Imagine dying thinking someone you care about will live a horrible, painful existence, that they will become something unrecognizably hideous and there’s nothing more you can do to prevent it. How could you have peace?”

“Hmm,” Lee murmured, running the cloth across Gaara’s closed eyelids. 

“It’s just not fair. He tried so hard for me. He wanted me to be a normal child instead of a weapon. He wanted me to have friends, to know I was loved.” Gaara went on. “But he chose to have me constantly fight and hate in order to survive. I know he couldn’t because of the sand, but what if he could have just killed me in my sleep and rid the village of me. Would things have been better?”

Lee dropped the blackened towel into his lap and cupped Gaara’s face in both hands.

“Gaara, look at me,” he said desperately. Bloodshot green eyes opened and focused hazily on his face. “I wish you would not even think things like that. It would not have been better, and you know that. You went through a big rough patch, but you were there when your village needed you. More than once. You have saved your village many times. You have saved your friends many times.”

Gaara nodded slightly and Lee lifted the glass off the coffee table and held it to Gaara’s lips so he could drink.

“Is Yashamaru buried somewhere?” Lee asked.

“Yes.”

“Have you ever seen his grave?”

“No,” Gaara shook his head. “I never wanted to see it.”

“Do you think it would help at all to go visit his grave? Maybe there you could tell him all the things you want him to know,” Lee suggested, as he resumed cleaning Gaara’s face.

“Do you really think it would help?” Gaara wondered, slumped bonelessly against the back of the sofa.

“Maybe,” Lee said. “I do not know a lot about this, but I know that there are shinobi who go to our village’s memorial stone to talk to their friends. Gai-sensei explained that it makes them feel closer to the ones they have lost. Shikamaru lights cigarettes on Asuma-sensei’s grave and Kurenai-sensei took their daughter there to meet him, as though he would be able to see her.”

“Would you. . . would you come with me?” Gaara asked. 

Lee sat back on his heels to consider Gaara’s face. He had never seen Gaara without the black makeup before and felt almost uncomfortable looking at him without it, like he was intruding on his privacy. As he gazed up at Lee, he also looked more vulnerable than Lee had ever seen him. He looked young, exhausted and fragile and Lee felt an almost overwhelming urge to protect him, to do anything he could to fix this.

“Of course I will,” he decided.


	2. Revelation

Lee insisted that they make a brief stop to sneak into the Hokage’s tower so that Gaara could send a message ahead of them to let Temari know that he was safe and on his way back. Gaara refused to explain anything more than that in writing. Lee also left a scribbled note on Tsunade’s desk, explaining where he was going. Rationally, he knew that there would be hell to pay for this later, that if he waited til morning Tsunade would surely grant him permission to leave, but he couldn’t bear the thought of trying to explain Gaara’s pain to anyone, even the Hokage. Leaving in the night without permission was a risk he would need to take.

At first, Gaara did his best to keep pace with Lee, but he was slow and clumsy with fatigue and kept stumbling over his own feet. The sand rushed in to catch him and set him upright again each time. Finally, he gave in and agreed to allow Lee to carry him. He slumped over Lee’s shoulder, staring listlessly at the horizon with unseeing eyes. Lee moved quickly and was able to reach Suna within less than two days. If he hadn’t been so consumed with worrying about Gaara, he might have celebrated beating his own record.

As the cliff which sheltered the village appeared on the horizon, Gaara finally stirred and murmured, “You can put me down now. We shouldn’t go through the gate.”

“How else will we get in,” Lee asked, setting Gaara carefully back on his feet.

“This way,” Gaara grabbed Lee’s wrist and the sand rose around them, swirling and churning. Lee threw his free arm across his face to keep it out of his eyes and nose, and reminded himself to stay calm as the sand consumed him. When the storm subsided, he was standing next to Gaara in a graveyard, with not a grain of sand anywhere on him.

“He’ll be over here somewhere,” Gaara said, taking Lee by the hand and leading him along a row of tombstones until he came to a halt in front of one topped with a ring of fresh red lilies.

“Someone is still bringing him flowers,” Gaara murmured. He turned to Lee, his expression taut with anxiety. “I didn’t think to bring flowers.”

“It is okay.” Lee reassured him. “You can come back with flowers later, if you want to.”

“What do I do now?” Gaara asked.

“I think you just say what you need him to hear,” Lee suggested.

Gaara dropped Lee’s hand and knelt in front of the grave. “Hello, Uncle Yashamaru,” he whispered. “I finally got your letter.”

He looked back at Lee, who motioned for him to continue.

“I wanted to tell you that everything is better for me now. My life did not turn out the way you thought it would. I mean, it almost did. But then there was this boy named Naruto who made me see that having friends to fight for made him so much stronger, that living only for yourself makes you weak and hurts on the inside. He taught me how to become someone worthwhile. He showed me that I could mend my broken heart the way you said. I get along well with Kankuro and Temari now. We’re like an actual family. And I have other friends too, lots of other friends. I’m . . . I’m actually the Kazekage now. But I’m not like my father. I’ll never be like him.” He took a deep breath and shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying, Yashamaru. I think I will just feel better if you know that you don’t need to worry about me anymore. There are people who care about me now, and people I care about too. I brought one with me, actually. It was his idea for me to talk to you.” He turned and looked up at Lee, worrying his lip between his teeth.

“Will you talk to him? I would have wanted him to meet you.”

“Oh. Okay,” Lee stepped forward and Gaara grabbed his hand to pull him down beside the grave as well.

“Hello, Mr. Yashamaru,” Lee said politely. “I am sorry we have to meet this way. I have heard a lot about you. I just want you to know that I do everything I can to look after your nephew. Not that he needs to be looked after. He is much stronger than I am. I am proud of him, and I think you would be too. But I still try to look after him, because he is very precious to me.”

“Very precious to you?” Gaara repeated tentatively.

“Yes, very precious to me,” Lee whispered.

* * * * *

Gaara wanted to walk home, but Lee convinced him to use his sand teleportation jutsu again. Gaara was an easily recognizable public figure and Lee thought it was probably best not to have him wandering the village looking like he had been left outside in a hurricane. His face was red, blotchy and bare, his hair dusty and tangled, his clothes tattered. To his people, his appearance would be alarming, to his enemies it might serve as an invitation.

They appeared in the living room of the Kazekage’s residence, which was larger than Lee’s entire apartment and had Temari’s personality stamped all over the decor.

“Do you think he knows now?” Gaara asked.

“Yes,” Lee said. “I think he does.”

“Thank you, Lee,” Gaara whispered, wrapping his arms around Lee’s waist and leaning against him.

“Of course,” Was all Lee could think of to say. He heard a faint sniffling sound which he knew meant that Gaara was crying again. But these were not the desperate, painful sobs from before. Lee considered himself somewhat of an expert on tears, and knew that this was the type of relieved crying that happens only when a massive weight is lifted from someone’s soul, when an old, jagged wound finally begins to heal.

He sat them both down on the couch and held Gaara tightly.

* * * * *

“All I’m saying is that if I let one rip every time Councilman Uchino says something stupid, it will be like aversion therapy and he might actually shut up for once,” Kankuro was saying as he opened the front door.

“For the hundredth time, absolutely not!” Temari protested. “If you did that _every_ time he said something stupid, the council chambers would be uninhabitable within seconds.”

“Ha! Good one!” Kankuro crowed, kicking his shoes off in the hallway and heading into the living room. “Oh. . . holy shit!”

“Is he back?” Temari cried.

Kankuro made a shushing motion at her, “Come see.”

The two stood in the living room doorway staring at the couch. A loud snore tore through the silence.

“Him again?” Temari grumbled.

“Who else would it be?” Kankuro whispered. “Shut up, don’t wake them.”

“You like him,” Temari accused.

“I don’t see why you don’t,” Kankuro shrugged.

“I don’t trust him with Gaara,” Temari hissed. “Gaara is -”

“Not a child,” Kankuro interrupted. “He can choose for himself. Besides, you have terrible taste in men, so you wouldn’t be much help.”

Temari smacked Kankuro across the back of his head and he yelped. Lee startled awake and instinctively moved to shield Gaara’s sleeping form with his own body.

“Oh, it is only you two,” he said sheepishly, sinking back into the cushions.

“Yes, we live here,” Temari pointed out. “You do not.”

“I know that,” Lee said, frowning in confusion. “Gaara asked me to come here so we could talk to his uncle.”

“His uncle. . .?” Temari repeated faintly.

“What the fuck happened to his face?” Kankuro interrupted. 

“He cried a lot."

“Why?” Temari demanded, unhooking her fan from her back. “What did you do?”

Lee quickly explained about the letter and his idea to talk to Yashamaru’s grave.

“Ah, this would explain why Baki seemed unsurprised when Gaara turned up missing,” Temari said. Her eyes narrowed into angry slits. “He told us we should give him a few days before we worried or tried to go after him.”

“Poor kid,” Kankuro shook his head. “He ran all the way to Konoha?”

“Yes. I had to carry him back,” Lee said.

“Thank you for doing that for him,” Temari ground out. “And for sending word that he was okay. I assume that was your idea too.”

“How long are you staying?” Kankuro asked. 

“I will leave in the morning,” Lee decided. “I did not actually have permission to leave the village. I just left a note for the Hokage.”

“Well, that’s going to be fun for you later.” Kankuro winced. 

“I do not mind,” Lee said. “Gaara needed me.” 

“Go back to sleep, Lee,” Kankuro admonished. “You look beat and Lady Tsunade is probably going to kill you later. We’ve got him from here.”

He lifted Gaara out from under Lee’s arm. Temari slung the gourd over her shoulder and together they carried him away up the stairs.

Lee fell back to sleep and dreamed of a man with blonde hair, kind eyes and a soft voice. Something about him seemed familiar to Lee.

When he woke again it was with a clarity of emotion so strong and so startling that he toppled right off the couch in a tangle of blankets and pillows that he did not remember having been there when he fell asleep. A glass of water fell off the coffee table and splashed across his face.

He lay on the floor blinking rapidly at a ceiling that seemed to spin before his bewildered eyes, breathing as though he had just run a sprint, while cool water trickled back into his hair and soaked into his jumpsuit. His first instinct was to leap to his feet, dash up the stairs and find Gaara. Instead, he forced himself to remain still, to slow down and think it through.

“I have to tell him,” he decided out loud. But this was no time for that, not after everything Gaara had been through in the past few days. He didn't want to overwhelm him. He wasn’t sure how long he could keep this bottled up inside but he was going to have to be careful and pick just the right time. But how does someone decide when to say something like that? How would he even explain a feeling like this one? It was suddenly obvious what he needed to do.

He picked himself up off the floor and hurried into the next room where he found Kankuro and Temari eating breakfast.

“I need to go,” he announced. “Is Gaara still sleeping?”

“I think he’ll be out for a while,” Kankuro said. “He seems pretty wrecked. We’ve got a medical ninja coming by later today to check on him and we want to let him sleep until then.”

“I understand,” Lee said, looking at the floor.

“Hey, don’t worry,” Kankuro told him. “You’ll see him in two weeks anyway. We found out yesterday that we’re stopping in Konoha for a night on our way through to the Land of Water.”

“Excellent!” Lee cried. “Please tell him that I am looking forward to seeing him!”

He dashed out of the dining room and they heard the front door bang shut behind him.

“Should one of us escort him to the border?” Temari wondered.

“Nah, I have a feeling this is going to be happening a lot.” Kankuro laughed. “If we make a habit of shuttling him back and forth we’ll wear ourselves out.”

“Fucking great,” Temari groaned.

“He’s growing on you, admit it,” Kankuro taunted.

Temari scowled and threw a fig at his head.

* * * * *

Lee sped through the gates of Konoha and straight past the Hokage’s tower, past the Hokage herself and Shizune as they both shouted for him to come back. He burst through Gai-sensei’s apartment door so quickly that he broke the latch and knocked it loose on its hinges. 

Kakashi’s eyes went wide with shock and Lee caught a fleeting impression of a mouth dropping open in surprise before he pulled his mask back over his face in a motion so swift that it was little more than a blur. 

“Hello, Lee. How are you this morning?” His voice was perfectly calm, as though it were normal for Lee to interrupt his breakfast by knocking the door down and flinging himself into the kitchen.

“Where is Gai-sensei?” Lee gasped, leaning on the back of a chair and clutching a stitch in his side.

Gai appeared in the bedroom doorway, half dressed. 

“Lee!” he shouted. “Thank goodness! I was worried sick!”

“Gai-sensei! I need to ask you something urgently!” Lee gasped.

“Of course, of course! What’s the problem?” 

“Gai-sensei, how do you tell someone that you are in love with him?” Lee asked.

Kakashi pulled out the chair next to his. “Sit down, Lee. Let’s all have a little talk.”

“With all due respect, Kakashi-sensei, I do not think anything in your novels will help me,” Lee said.

Gai laughed. “Trust me, Lee. There is no one better to help you through your current predicament than the two of us.”

“ROCK LEE!!” Lady Tsunade slammed through the door. The already damaged hinges tore free and the door crashed to the floor. “Young man, when I’m finished with you, you’re going to wish you’d never been born!”

Gai shook his head. “Better get this over with Lee. We’ll talk it all through with you when it’s over.”

“Oh, no you don’t! Lee won’t be talking to anyone for a very long time.” Tsunade raged. “First, you’re going to scrub the Hokage monument, then you’re going to clean the mews until you could eat off the floor, and then I’ve got mountains of paperwork that need to be stamped and filed. . .” The list went on as she dragged Lee towards the door by the collar of his vest. 

Undeterred, Lee flashed his sensei a smile and a thumbs up as he disappeared around the door frame.

“It’s about time,” Kakashi muttered, turning back to his breakfast.

“You’re one to talk.” Gai laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Please feel free to come say hello to me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/lilac-writes/)!


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